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👌Iwritealot

Good; Goodbye.

Goodbye, good riddance

We take a sigh of relief;

Our hearts don’t feel so heavy anymore

Someone finally lifted the burden, or not.

So we say goodbye to our Demons

Goodbye to everything that haunted us.

Just yesterday it didn’t feel like it was ever going to end

And now it’s all gone, or not

Or did we finally accept it, so they don’t hurt anymore.

So we say goodbye to everything that taunted our soul

Goodbye to everything that we used to feel.

A fresh breath of greener pasture, it’s time to take it in

Our mind ready to let go of everything it had come to know in the dark

But greener pasture doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to, something’s missing.

What is?

The struggle, to be done with what was killing us inside?

The battle, between our sanity and insanity?

The hope, for a little light at the end of the tunnel?

The faith, that we would get to the end of the tunnel?

The anticipation, for freedom?

And after our first taste of a better life;

We realize we miss it all

For when we lost it all,

All the tears on the ground dried up, all the tears in our pillow soaked in.

We lost ourselves too.

So who then are we, without what made us push forward?

So we say goodbye to who we were

Having no idea who we are now.

WINTER DARKNESS

“Are you Suicidal?”

I’ve been asked this question a couple of times I shrug it off most times I never really stopped to ask myself they misunderstood my poems I concluded.

But then on this windy evening with my emotions dancing to the rhythm of the weather,  I do ask myself. Are you suicidal?

Well I’m definitely not jumping off the bridge anytime soon but I’ll drown my soul if I could wash out my memories because I feel everything just might hurt less. I wish I could wake up with Amnesia life would maybe feel less fucked up but then I can’t kill one part of myself without killing the other.

Winter darkness Amplified grief exalted depression glorified melancholy. Mental scars to commemorate my experience Pain; a familiar feeling of nostalgia.

I feel like none should see this piece it feels more like a conversation with my inner self than a poem. But then who’s my inner self? The one I intend to kill. My inner self torments and filters away whatsoever joy that might be brewing. If I do this then, get rid of my inner self. I do so in self-defense is it then suicide?

Winds stopped blowing, Emotions stopped dancing So I guessed I’ll have to sleep on that question. call a lawyer, I’ll probably be needing one.

THE TRIBUNAL

They placed my hand on a bible and made me swear
Judge, jury, and court they were
The clerk read out the rules to which I was to adhere
“Court in session” I heard the judge declare.
Ten thousand eyeballs fixated on me
Five thousand whisperers and screamers to convince
Court in session, a session in court
Either way I was doomed by default.

First came the pastor;
“Woe unto all men who sin, for to sin is of man.
But you should know no sin, for a woman need not sin.
And ye have sinned and come short of the glory of the church.
Sinner sinner woman, woman of sin! Sinful woman”.

Second came the father;
“Charity begins at home, and then your charity has never gotten home.
We laid your foundation, and you neglected our building.
Why not be a banker we told you, lawyers earn more money we preached.
Act ladylike that you may find a suitor we warned, the dark boulevards is no place for a woman we cried.
But you chose to disappoint, and the disappointment is you.
Disgraceful being! Not one of us”.

Third came the government;
“Tax evader, squanderer of public funds.
Abuser of public property, you built your home on our streets.
Obstructer of justice, you aided and abetted a thief.
Fugitive! Non patriot!”

Fourth came the seer;
“A thousand curses unto you who led people away from the light.
Blinded by foolishness and unable to see a clear path.
I see a legion for they are many, they that torment your soul.
Demoniac! Demonist! Demonic!”

“Speak woman and save yourself” the judge urged me
“Speak woman for they drown you with accusations.
Speak! Speak! Speak!”

To the pastor I said;
“Woe unto the church and clergymen like you,
Shame unto he that calls me a sinner and casts me out of the door.
Woe unto you! You cast me away because I have no penny to give.
Now tell me am I giving to the house of God or to the gods in the house?
If not fanning the flames of your greed is sinning, then I’ll sin till I die”.

To the father I said;
“Why extend charity home when charity never began from home?
People expected to provide and protect, but instead left me in utter neglect.
Think properly of the report you’ll give when your maker beckons.
I’ll gladly sing tales of how you shut away one given to you to nurture.

LET ME TELL YOU 

Let me tell you something about love

It is the overrated word in the ENGLISH vocabulary

A word so emphasized that it lives


Breathes, deceives, encourages and defeat.

We all, through our actions and inactions are victims of love

Like a zombie, our hearts as brains.

What is it they say?

Feelings are bitches,

Fly around like witches.

Am sure we all have stitches

From when we fell into ditches.

When sweet,

We do the sweetest things for love

We do the dumbest things for love

When sour,

It hurts oh it hurts!

And the you that once loved is gone

And all that’s left is this demon con

This vile tyranny in your head

You do worse things that you can ever imagine

We lose who we are to whom it wants us to be.
Let me tell you about the love I have known

The worst kind of love

The one that comes with pain

It’s only sweet when she’s a she

Because she couldn’t hurt me I thought.

You see every other agent not she assigned by love

Has burnt me and will continue to

Each one worse than the last.

The kind of love I have had!

The type that gives jealousy free passage into my soul

Paranoia, low self-esteem, insecurity and pain hitched the ride

When sweet, when sour.

I want to be mad and I remember I have no right to be

And then I am sad because that I can be and there’s no care if I am.

I want to hold on but I was told not to and still I don’t know how to let go.

Am scared of what I’ll become

As I was scared of what I am now.

What do they say?

You don’t know what you’ve lost until you lose it

That’s a lie 

You do know 

You just love it more when you’ve lost it

That’s how vile love can be.

I am no expert on love, so please don’t take my word for it

Am just someone who has gotten to her disequilibrium.

I have fallen, I am falling

So let me tell you

I am scared I’ll become numb

And might never feel again.

MELANCHOLIA 

My pillar of desperation 

Oh sweet Goddess of sorrow and tragic inflation 

Hear my call and make it stop 

I seek just a drop of peace amidst depression. 

Nero fiddled, my heart broke

 Quick to memory thy gentle stroke

Don’t be scared my love .


Strength why do thy still slumber 

While thy steward’s heart floats asunder 

Peace where is thy healing power 

Pour tranquility upon my soul I pray thee.

When history occurs consistently 

Perhaps it’s inescapable 

History into destiny 

My worth easily dispensable.

Don’t be scared my love 

Echos and Echos and Echos and Echos

Ut ne quis 

Et sub Cuba Ero

Diutius servare non possum 

Valleys of misery and orchids of self hate 

Mysterious gallivanting of ferocious rage

Fountains of medieval passion 

Cruelty upon my soul 

Ut ne quis! 

Et sub cuba Ero

Tempus pugnae est prohibere? 

Mercy Mercy Eleos

Redeem my soul from the enslavement of hades

Mercy mercy Eleos 

Thy subject can bear it no more 

Diutius servare non possum 

What is dead shall never die 

What is broken shall never break again 

Mercy Mercy Eleos. 

DISEQUILIBRIUM?

I hate that I am weak

Must it always be me?

I look up to heaven and wonder where God was

When he decided to deprive my world of joy.

Or was it the forces of this world

Or perhaps the demons of the next

Either one I need an answer or I just might explode.

Ha ha

I have already exploded,

And my hope drowned a long time ago

Why was I made weak?

Why must I always fall?

Where is my equilibrium!

Where did my mental balance go!

I hear what you say, I am just not listening

I see what you do, I am just not ready to believe.

Somebody chain me

Anybody who loves me

Quickly!

No one?

Quickly Now!

None?

Perhaps I’ll chain myself

I want to rid myself of this world

I need to rid this world of me.

This fall I do not know how to deal with

Is anybody listening?

This is a cry for help

My hands, make the smoke signal

My lips, blow the trumpets

Quickly!

Someone might hear us

I am drowning

I am burning

I am dying.

Slowly slowly…

Was there really no one?

My fingers dancing vigorously above the water line

But the rest of me long gone

Save us now, we beg

Oh where are you my comforter?

Make it stop

Can you make it end?

Make the lies end

Make the misuse end

Make the disrespect end

Make the tormentors disappear

Make the molester’s burn

Make them all fade, please 

Or take me away, far away. 

I want to drift into nonexistence

I want my space

That place opened to just me

I want to be purged of the misery and disappointments of this world

Take me now!

There is nothing to mend

This fall has torn the strings of falls I buried

And they are feeding on my sanity

All at once.
So you’ll take me?

I am ready

There’s nothing left for me here.

Movement 2017

Drama : I stop to blame the life I’ve lived and am grateful to breathe.  The method of healing only begins when regrets are buried beneath. My addiction to procrastination and loyalty to depression is the only string pulling me back from the life I deserve. Accept and admit I’ve had a great life than I believed I could ever possibly have. I have complained for years, I have hated for years and I think it’s time to grow up. I’ll be good I’ll stay good and I’ll start to own up. I am making no new year’s resolutions because that never works. But how about a clean slate and a fresh basket of good luck 😁😁

Tale of a survivor (chapter five) 

​Well so much for long talk hours, she was supposed to help me deal with this feelings, to fix me. But she took the cap off the bottle and dismissed me. And as I slept that night, two words echoed in my head Violated, deleted.

It was morning again and I hoped for a better day. It took a while for me to sleep the night before with Mrs. Nnena’s absurd therapy session and Ivie’s pending situation. Where was God? No seriously, where? I could not place my head around the fact that little Ivie wanted to kill herself. The girl was seventeen years old for goodness sake what could she possible have been going through? Boy troubles, what to wear and what not to wear? It was as if the guardian angel assigned to my family fell with Lucifer and we were all headed for impending doom.

I got up from bed and lazily walked to the bathroom to freshen up, my appointment with the shrink wasn’t till twelve and I planned to make the most out of my morning. A walk around the hotel wouldn’t be so bad, probably have breakfast downstairs and just sit and watch people go about their business. That was how I was going to spend my morning but you see nature always had its own course of events lined up for me.

Just as I was about to turn on the water, my mother called with news from the hospital. Ivie had woken up thank goodness and contrary to what the doctors told us, the wounds on her wrist were not self-inflicted. I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or worried. Relieved for a second that Ivie wasn’t suicidal but the story didn’t add up. Ivie claimed she was hit on the head when she entered her room after telling my mother to prepare oat meal for her. She remembered falling to the ground but that was it.

“But mama what is Ivie now trying to say? That somebody came into the house and tried to kill her?”

But how possible was that and for what reason. Ivie wasn’t the daughter of some president or senator or any dignitary. She wasn’t even a promising personality herself, I mean the young girl literally talked to no one. Zero acquaintances, zero relations and the only ones who would even consider her life valuable was her family. 

“Mama something tells me Ivie is not being entirely truthful with us”

Dial tone.

The line had been cut off, was this a joke? 

DE-PRES-SION 

I really have tried to let go off you 

But it would seem that our match 

Was sanctioned by cupid himself 

Took me by surprise 

Creeped in at my darkest moments 

Became one with my thoughts 

Set boundaries for my life 

Limited my association and acquaintances 

Told me what I should be 

Took my hand and led me down the dark tunnel 

The closer we got, the deeper we went

The dimmer the light at the end of the tunnel 

Tick Tock the clock to happy times ticked away 

Happy moments faded into memories made with you 

Memories made of you .

And then I couldn’t tell what I thought from what you told me 

Real blended into unreal 

Your words became one with my thoughts 

Did u kiss me while I slumbered ?

Did thy mighty sword slay the dragon that held me captive? 

Answer me! 

Help me logicalize this union 

I must be mad

Where else but in fairy tales does this bond exist? 

Like I am constantly woven into the gentle thorns that are your arms 

Leave me be! 

But never let me go

If you did what would I become?

I feel like Jesus, tempted by the devil but I failed to overcome 

Unconsciously, unwillingly I succumbed 

How do I let you go? 

You speak to me about everything else but this 

Why won’t you speak 

Should I sing our favorite song? 

Without you in whom would I find comfort? 

Why liken you to the devil when all you do is help me 

Feeding on my pain

Capitalizing on my shortcomings 

Tuning my wails 

Beating on my drums of desperation 

Oh sweet loving friend

Our union however savoury is cursed 

Let me go 

Please. 

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